Made in Iran!

It all started when Amir Ghalenoei was sacked and brought down from his head-coaching position. And yes. He was sacked, but in Iran we like to say he stepped aside for the benefit of the team. Whatever!
As soon as his departure though, the quest for finding a suitable coach began and it began with a bang!
And what do you know? Real Madrid’s Fabio Capello became our first head coach!?
At first it was a tight race between him and Trappatoni but apparently someone in IFF had close connections to Real Madrid’s Capello and that’s the very reason we got him!?
Within days however, Capello was sacked and was replaced by Winnie Schafer. And within minutes he refused to cooperate with Iranian Football Federation!?
In a news conference Schafer revealed the reason for his refusal. Apparently he was offended why IFF had used his nickname “Winnie” instead of his real name “Winfried” and left the negotiation table!
For the time being IFF proclaimed that in case of an emergency they would pull the handle and bring Ghalenoei back. That statement alone however, scared the living light out of the other candidates and they all scrambled to sign a quick contract with our team before it was too late!?

After going through failed negotiations with Ruud Dil Gullit, Jorvan Viera, Pim Verbeek, Luxemborgo, Peter Reid, Jacques Santini and Luca Bonacic, IFF found their man and chose Portuguese manager Arture Jorge as the new and improved head coach!
But no celebration for Iran yet as IFF immediately cut ties with Jorge over the rumors that he liked football players more than football itself!?
The news of Jorge’s new discovery was so awkward that IFF instantly announced the nomination of Mohammad Myelikohan. They wanted to distant themselves with Jorge at any coast possible even if it meant bringing Haji Mayeli back to action!

The legend has it that behind closed doors (even though we all heard what was being said in there!), they also negotiated with Mostafa Denizli, Rene Simoes, Lothar Matthaus, Dick Advocat, Christoph Daum, Guus Hiddink, and even Materazzi’s dad! (Zidane was not available for any comments in this regard!).
Nevertheless, we were too good of a team to employ just anyone; hence we pushed to have Javier Clemente at any cost.
The Spaniard had a good record with Spanish national side and we jumped the opportunity to get him. At the same time we still negotiated with Ghalenoei, Meyelikohan and Afshin Ghotbi just in case!

Javier Clemente on the other hand was very eager to coach our team but there was only a minor issue involved. He really, really wanted to coach us but he refused to live anywhere near Tehran!
To make a long story short, IFF, Clemente, fans and the whole world went back and fort for few weeks before it was finally announced that Clemente has in fact agreed to live in Iran.
Let the celebrations begin?
Not so fast!
We were about to rejoice the coming of messiah but our partying short lived as Clemente himself denied making such statement and insisted on managing our team through remote control from the beaches of Bilbao!!
He said; I love Iran and Iranians but no thanks!? (He also denied the rumors that he was afraid of being stock in Iran just in case if John McCain gets the nomination!?).

To cool the audience off, once again IFF announced that Iranian/American Afshin Ghotbi
was a contender to beat and Afshin became only the 7th (or 8th!), serious nomination in weeks!?
In a matter of 10 days Afshin became the head coach of Iran 126 times. The headlines were even funnier than the actuality of the events. Newspapers and sport websites could not keep up with the reports either. Afshin was a head coach at 2:00 pm, sacked by 2:15pm and back again by 3:00 pm!! (Repeat this process 42 times!!).
The tornado of events were so fierce that football fans had to take a full course of anti nausea medication every morning before reading the news of Team Melli and her coaching position!
In a chaotic and some times very comical situation, newspapers, websites and even L.A. based TV stations ripped one another a part to put their candidates above the other and friendships were lost over it.
Forget about Clinton/Obama race. If Americans wanted to have real fun, they should have joined the Ghotbi/Clemente campaign!

And finally…
Yesterday morning and at the midst of all events, the winner of the head coaching job was revealed.
And as usual, it was once again our own Ali Daei who rose above all to put the ball in the net.
No one saw him coming and no one could stop him from scoring this time either.
I personally like this choice but I have only one thing to declare to those who are about to complaint.
Take him while you have a chance. You never know what tomorrow has in store for us!
May god bless and save our national team from her enemies.
And the Mickey Mouse Club saga continues…
 
Author’s note: I was half sleep last night and then I remembered about one more candidate I neglected to name. And what do you know. It happened to be the one I reported myself here on footballmedia. You guessed it. Mr. Terry Venables!?
Are we confused yet?